Finding Support As a Bereaved Parent: What Do I Really Need?
After the loss of a child, nothing seems right. Our view of the world, our role, and our relationships to others seems so discombobulated. Parents will deal with a flood of opposing emotions, and many times, this new path seems unfathomable. Finding support is critical, but where can we find it? What feels like support? And how do we know what we need?
After the loss of my own son in 2004, there are a few things that I have learned along the way and wish I could’ve told my younger self. I hope that if you are experiencing this devastation and loss that these resources seem helpful.
Finding support may look different than your day to day support circle. Many of the people that are in your daily life are genuinely concerned but don't know how to attend to your needs. Many well intentioned people give bad advice. Many of these people are wanting the “old” you to be better. If you are feeling invalidated in your circle of support, it might be time to reach out to a professional, a grief group, or a friend that validates your experience.
Finding support will mean getting out of your comfort zone. This may seem counterintuitive, because life after loss is so disorienting and you are seeking as much comfort as possible. But if you are not feeling comforted in your own circle, it will require you to do things that feel more uncomfortable. Support can be found in church groups, hospital or hospice grief groups, or online grief groups. Being with like minded folks that have shared experience can be helpful but is scary at first.
Finding support is accepting help and setting boundaries. There is no medal given at the end of your grief journey for doing this alone. Asking for help will be critical to your healing. This may be logistical help or emotional help. Maybe you need help with childcare for your other children? Maybe you need some alone time? Maybe you need to schedule time to have coffee with a trusted friend? Moving through your grief requires you to share your experience, so self sufficiency is not beneficial. Setting boundaries with people that are not helpful is critical to insulating yourself. Do what feels nurturing in the present moment.
Last but not least, if you have not found your support yet, keep looking. You are not alone.
Written by Kristen Ernst, MA, LPC
Kristen Ernst, MA, LPC is the owner of the Center for Hope & Healing in St Charles, Missouri. Kristen has years of experience counseling hospice patients, and those afflicted with grief after coping with the loss of her own son. Her private practice concentrates on grief and traumatic loss. She also contributes as a specialist in grief support as a group facilitator, writer, and educator in the community.