Feeling Guilty After Loss

Our Passed and Present conversation series brings together experts in the grief space to share their knowledge and answer your questions about life after loss. Our event with Dr. BJ Miller, palliative medicine physician and co-founder of Mettle Health, and Allison Gilbert, author of numerous books, including Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive, focused on the topic of guilt. 

Guilt over things you wish you would have done

During the discussion with Allison Gilbert, Dr. Miller emphasized how normal it is to feel guilty after the loss of a loved one. “Just being sad is really hard,” he noted. “Something in us says ‘I’d rather hate myself’ than just be sad.” The takeaway from Dr. Miller is clear: Be wary of how you  frame your emotions, especially guilt. Take a moment for yourself, with space and quiet, to truly assess your state of mind. If you decide that you might need the support of a professional, know that seeking help is a sign of strength not weakness. This hotline is open 24/7 for anyone who needs assistance. 

Guilt when experiencing happiness 

If after your loved one dies, you catch yourself in a moment of joy and begin to feel guilty because you’re “supposed” to be sad, author Allison Gilbert suggested remembering this simple yet vital word: “And.” She encourages individuals to grieve AND find joy. Both paths are valid, she said. “You can look to the future with optimism and that does not discount your sadness,” Gilbert said. 

Watch their entire conversation here. 

The Passed and Present conversation series is named after Allison Gilbert’s book Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive. We invite you to watch recordings of our previous Passed and Present events here. And please take a moment to join our private Facebook Group. Talking about loss has the capacity to help us heal. Request to join here.